First, let me state that I absolutely adore Chattanooga. After living in Seattle for so long, my family and I expected to hate this place. But we’ve been blown away by all Chattanooga has to offer. That said, Chattanooga has plenty of room for improvement. Here are ten ways Chattanooga could up its game and be even more sexy, hip and boujee than it already is!
10. More Gentrification
A lot of people act like gentrification is a bad word. Well, it’s not. It means healthy, organic, farm-to-table restaurants and boutique art galleries. It means empty crackhouses become million dollar condos. And sure, some poor people may have to move out of the neighborhood, but at least they can still work here. I’m sure all the hip, stylish new businesses on Main Street employ lots of locals who were displaced in the name of progress.
9. We Need a Placenta Restaurant
Placenta restaurants are guaranteed to be the next hot trend. Chattanooga can’t wait until placenta eating jumps the shark. Having a hot placenta restaurant in 2017 would put Chattanooga on the map in a major way. Having one in 2018 would seem sad and desperate.
8. Ban Sandals
Seriously… what the fuck is up with the all-terrain sandals? Tevas and Chacos and Birkenstocks were disgusting in the 90’s, and they’ve aged like a dead fish. Nobody’s ever going to take this city seriously if it looks like a giant Dave Matthews concert. Sandals are like sweat pants for the feet. Come on, Chattanooga… you can do better.
7. More Gourmet Food Trucks
Chattanooga has some pretty sweet food trucks. But we need about twenty times as many. And we need some more adventurous concepts, like a Milk & Asparagus sommelier or a truck that specializes in edible decorative flowers. If you think these ideas are brilliant, you should check out my others.
6. Stop Driving Slowly on Main Street
Why the fuck does everybody drive so slowly down Main Street? Why the fuck don’t people go around cars that stop to turn left? Because they are stupid fucking assholes, that’s why.
5. La Croix Bar
A La Croix Bar would bring so much to Chattanooga. It would offer us the chance to sample obscure flavors of La Croix while dining on an organic, GMO-free vegetarian cuisine. But beyond food and drink, a La Croix bar would offer a sanctuary and sense of of community for La Croix-lovers.
4. More Polished Concrete Floors
As I have stated before, I love sleek and sexy polished concrete floors. In fact, I’ve documented some of the sexiest polished concrete floors on the Southside. But some places stubbornly cling to outdated flooring trends like wood and tile — I’m looking at you Aleia and Bluegrass! Barf.
3. Pet Yoga
Where the fuck can a pet get some yoga around here? Oh yeah, nowhere.
2. Sexy New Buildings Shouldn’t Be Empty
I have been so impressed with all the hip and sexy urban spaces available on the Southside. So it’s been slightly shocking that so many of these places are still vacant — like the million dollar condos across from the Choo-Choo, or the prime $6,000/month restaurant space on Market & Main. In Brooklyn or San Francisco or Seattle, these places would be snapped up the second they hit the market. What’s wrong with you, Chattanooga? Don’t you get it? If you don’t fill these swanky luxury buildings, they won’t keep building swanky, luxury buildings. Then the rent goes down and the luster disappears and the next thing you know, there’s an Old Navy and a Panera in the neighborhood. No thank you. I’d rather be homeless.
1. Change the Name to Nashville Jr.
So much of what’s great about Southside also happens to be what’s great about Nashville. That’s true of our new real estate developments, our new music venue, our new flagship coffee/wine concept, the Frothy Monkey. And if we’re being honest with ourselves, I think we can all admit that we’d rather be Nashville. So for ease and simplicity, maybe Chattanooga should just go ahead and change it’s name to Nashville Jr.