Stop Honking at Me While I’m Trying to Valet at Alleia!

How many times has this happened to you?  You want to have dinner at Alleia, but the intersection of Market & Main is so crowded that you can’t reach the valet stand without bringing all traffic in both directions to a complete standstill.  And that’s when it happens… someone has the audacity to honk at you!

If you’re like me, this happens all the time.  It never ceases to shock me.  As a former resident of top-tier cities like New York and Seattle, I’m used to the compulsive honking of horns.  But I certainly did not expect that behavior here in the South, where people love to congratulate themselves on how polite they are.

Look, I understand why New Yorkers and Seattleites can be impatient.  They have stock markets and tech behemoths to manage.  But what excuses do Southerners have to honk at me while I’m trying to valet?  I feel like I’m being targeted for abuse every time I swerve in front of oncoming traffic and expect it to stop for me.

This is the most exclusive parking lot in Chattanooga.

Well I have news for you, Chattanooga… you can not bully or intimidate me into parking my own car and walking 25 feet.  I’ll be honest with you… I live only a couple blocks away from Alleia and could easily walk if I wanted to, but I can’t resist the temptation to valet.  I love to see the adoring eyes of passersby as I slowly inch through three lanes of blocked traffic so teenaged valet can assist me from my Audi.

What I don’t love, however, is being honked at by the occasional misanthropic hater trying to rain on our parade.  Don’t dump your your classist self-hate at my doorstep, Jim Bob.  It’s not my fault that the city chose to build a busy intersection at the same exact corner as our most important valet.  Valet-phobic drivers have plenty of other options when it comes to traversing this city, so if you can’t be tolerant of the valet community, you should find another street to race down.  It’s 2017 and by now Chattanoogans should be woke to the reality that traffic must accommodate the needs of the valet community when it comes to Market & Main.  We will not be displaced.  We will not be threatened.  And we will not be silenced.

Now be quiet and stop honking at me as I try to valet at Alleia.