STIR’s Web Copy is as Painstakingly Crafted as the Artisanal Ice it Describes

STIR is known for many things.  They offer Chattanooga’s finest selection of fresh oysters and seafood, as well as a truly dazzling array of specialty craft cocktails.  In addition to bright colors and colorful names, these buzz-worthy beverages also boast their own hand-crafted artisanal ice cubes for the most decadent sipping experience in Chattanooga!

But even more dazzling than the ice itself is the exquisite way in which it is described on STIR’s sleek website. Artisanal ice is the main attraction at STIR, and the copywriters make the clear from the first click.  Check out the opening sentence from the About page:

“Using purified, artisanal ice that has been painstakingly hand-cut to complement each one of our imaginative craft cocktails, STIR is bringing an intense focus on artisan ice and craft cocktails to the Scenic City’s cocktail and dining scene.”

There’s a lot to unpack here.  How important are ice cubes to the STIR experience?  Apparently, more important than the food, the drinks, the chef, or the location… which are eventually mentioned in later sentences. Notice the density of delicious modifiers — outweighing both verbs and nouns!  I’d like to draw special attention to their use of the word “painstakingly.”  I don’t know about you, but I find it extremely reassuring to know that the act of putting ice in my cup causes someone else pain.  It’s like wearing a blood diamond… in my drink!

Speaking of drinks, click on the Drink link and you’re whisked to a wonderland of more painstakingly crafted artisanal copywriting… about ice!

“Artisanal ice can make all the difference between a mediocre drink and a craft cocktail. We offer eight unique styles, including ice made and hand-cut in-restaurant by STIR’s permanent ice chef from a massive ice block.”

I’m slightly embarrassed to admit this, but I wasn’t even aware Ice Chefs were a thing.  When I Googled the term, I found only 11,000 returns.  If you ask me, that puts Chattanooga in some extremely exclusive company.  But it also sickens me to think how many subpar cocktails I must have consumed in my life before learning about the existence of hand-crafted artisanal ice cubes.  Here’s something else to consider before ruining your life with a cocktail containing mass produced WalMart-grade frozen water:

“Frozen from the inside out using purified water, STIR’s artisan ice melts at a slower pace so your drinks stay colder and stronger for longer. Say goodbye to diluted and lukewarm drinks, and hello to cocktails done right.”

If you’re having trouble understanding what this all means, I suggest you look at the first page of STIR’s downloadable PDF.  As you can see there are several architecturally respected designs for ice cubes including shaved, pebbled and crushed.

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My life is empty, so these things are very important to me.

As a professional lifestyle blogger, I know a lot about hyperbole and how to use language to make meaningless things seem meaningful.  In the past, I’ve done a transcendently splendid job of describing concrete floors and cheeseburgers.  And I was bowled over by a recent TFP restaurant review in which they compared some pancakes to classic literature.  But I must give credit where credit is due… the copywriting on STIR’s website is truly some next level shit.  The only thing more expertly crafted than the ice at STIR is the language used to justify its existence.