How many times has this happened to you? You decide to stop by Local Juicery + Kitchen for a beet and ginger smoothie to detoxify your blood, but you can’t find anywhere to park. Why? Because a bunch of basic Chattanoogans have parallel parked like this:
If you think it’s hard to park on Southside now, just wait until they finish building the ten billion new luxury apartments, trendy hotels, and fine dining concepts. We’re going to have a real crisis on our hands unless the citizens of this city get proactive about learning how to parallel park.
Thankfully, the good people at the Chattery are launching a bold new community initiative aimed at teaching mouth-breathing suburbanites how to parallel park when they go downtown to try that new hamburger restaurant.
“The Chattery was founded to enhance our community through education,” said Jennifer Holder, Chattery’s Operations Headmaster. “What better way to enhance our downtown community than actually having a place to park when you get there?”
Unlike most of the classes offered by the Chattery, this course will be free of charge and open to the public. “City planners face a lot of challenges as Chattanooga grows, but the issue of parallel parking requires the public to step up and take responsibility for its own ignorance,” Chattery’s Creative Director Shawanda Mason-Moore explained. “That’s why we’re making this course free and open to everyone who wants to attend.”
In addition to teaching people how to parallel park their cars in less than three spaces, Chattery will also instruct Chattanoogans on the importance of backing into parallel parking spaces. “The other day I watched some guy block traffic on Main Street for 10 minutes as he tried to parallel park his SUV without backing in,” Holder lamented. “Maybe if Chattanooangs just learned the basics of parallel parking, we’d never have to suffer these shameful displays of civic indifference again.”
Obviously, this is a work of satire. The Chattery is not offering a free class in parallel parking, and neither of those real people said the fake things I attributed to them. I was merely looking for a creative way to vent my frustrations and to hopefully draw some attention to the problem of shitty parallel parking in Chattanooga.
Oh well… If people aren’t ashamed of their parking skills, then I guess I won’t be ashamed to park my car right in the middle of the intersection and block a bus stop whenever I need a to detoxify my blood at Local Juicery + Kitchen.